My wife gets very violent during fights. Please help!

Question: I have been married for nearly 4 years and am going through the most difficult time of my life. My wife is extremely short-tempered and displays some irrational behaviour during our fights. We might have had almost 40-50 ugly fights during the course of our marriage and every time we fight, my wife starts creating a scene. She would shout at the top of her voice and also throws things. There are times when she would hit or kick me and she also bangs her head on the wall. There is no fixed trigger that makes her do that. I have tried every possible way I can in my capacity to avoid fights but have failed. I even chose not to respond sometimes, which will also trigger her. She will say something abusive to which I will respond in a similar tone and then the chain of reaction starts. She then loses her control and starts abusing, shouting, screaming, threatening. I constantly try to calm her down but she continues doing the same for several hours. I will listen to the abuses for 10 -15 minutes, trying to calm her down in between and then lose my control and respond with the same abuse she is hurling on me.


Most of the incidents are followed by us living separately for a few days and then there would be discussions between the parents, finding out the faults, making promises for rectification and coming back together. When we are back, it always felt very good as she has a lot of good qualities when she is normal, that keeps me attracted to her. We have consulted multiple psychiatrists and also consulted multiple marital therapists but nothing helped. What do you think we should do? Whenever the point comes where we talk about divorce, she cries her eyes out and even threatens to destroy my life, put criminal case if I thought of leaving her. And sometimes she begs me to stay with her as she loves me very much. I am at the point where I am not able to make a decision. I am too attached to her even after all this and question of divorce even shakes me down but then I also think of ruining my life over this stress and torture. I really need help to make a decision. Please suggest.—By Anonymous.



Response by Dr. Soumiya Mudgal: Problems you two are facing in your marriage looks more of conflict of both of your differences in nature and expectations from marriage. It would be ideal to seek help at individual levels and work on self with the help of a counsellor. As it is obvious that in spite of all your differences you two are much in love, it would be ideal to do some soul searching and remediation.


Response by Dr. Soumiya Mudgal, Consultant Psychiatrist, Max Hospital


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